The chill of the air bites our cheeks as we walk out of the yellow and green house, careful no to slam the door behind us. We leave the driveway through the hole in the perfect white picket fence and step together onto the sidewalk lining the street filled with cracks and pot holes. The light from the street lights gently glow down on her bright but beaten pink shoes, making it easier to see her path.
Reaching the end of the sidewalk, her chucks meet the cold, rocky dirt as do mine. We pass through the field, trying to stay in her footprints while the rough crunch from the snow grabs as my ankles, biting me. We run. I watch her curly, twisty hair bounce and jump from the bun pulled to the back of her head as the arms of her jacket rub against her sides making a scratching noise that I can still hear over the heavy breathing that's in my head.
Wow, Miss Mariah, I am intrigued by where this is going. The description is especially vivid - "the cold, rocky dirt" "the rough crunch from the snow grabs at my ankles, biting me." Nice! I want to know more about the characters, what is happening, what is going on, where they are going and why. Not a bad way to feel as a reader. How do you see this developing?
ReplyDeleteAwesome job, i thought that you did a very nice job at description. i wish that you went on with it though. i wonder how it would effect the story if you had gone on longer. :)
ReplyDeleteThis is really good Mariah! I love the different words you used and how you used different things like the snow biting at your ankles. I could really picture the setting. I wonder what it would be like if you added more to the story and gave more description on the character. I wish it was longer because I really want to continue on this story to see what happens next.
ReplyDeleteI really like this and it made me really picture where this was happening. i wonder what it would be like if you had made this happen in a different location. i wish you could have made it longer because it really made me want to read on.
ReplyDeleteI loved how alive your writing was, I could really picture every detail, it almost gave me chills. I wonder what would happen if you continued or told what you were doing.
ReplyDeleteGood job! I love the descriptions and it really made me wonder who is WE and what happens next. I wish it would say more about the characters !:)
ReplyDeleteWow, Mariah! This was a great piece. I love how you described things, like "the chill of the air bites our cheeks". That, to me, had great detail and explained what the climate was like. I just wish you would've written more!
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